Sun, 14 Oct 2007

October 10, 2007
I have a memory box that was given to me the night Donald died. The hospital auxiliary provides these boxes for the bereaved families when their loved one dies at the hospital. My box is cream colored and covered in soft tissues, which have been formed, and papermached together with natural elements- such a small fern leaves, stems of wheat, grass, twigs, and seeds. It is a shallow, rectangular box, which has a green ribbon fastened to both top flaps and is used to tie the top shut. When I lift both flaps of the lid, they fall open exposing an oval picture frame on each half. The frames are still empty.

I was cleaning my bedroom this afternoon and began by dusting my dresser. I took the memory box and gently pulled the ribbon to untie it. I carefully lifted each half of the lid- laying them full open as I would a book on a table. Immediately I noticed the two empty picture frames on the interior surface of both flaps- and chastised myself for not taking time to find and place two pictures in the box. I then surveyed the contents of the box itself. Slowly, I began sorting through the items. On top I found Donald’s wristwatch. It was one his mother had given him for his 39th birthday- in 2005- a Scooby Doo watch. He enjoyed wearing that watch. Not long after receiving it, he was disappointed to discover the Fort Worth Star Telegram report that "young people" no longer wear watches- but rather rely on their I-pods, cell phones or palm pilots to give them the correct time. Despite this, he still felt young- and continued to wear his watch! I had placed that watch out on a table at the funeral home and at the church- with a note explaining "This is Donald’s wristwatch. He is not wearing his watch- as he is no longer bound by his body or by time." As I turned the watched over in my hand, I noticed the leather on the watchband is becoming rigid from non-use. The battery is still working- and the watch is keeping perfect time- true to Donald’s nature! I took the watch and put it on my arm- and fastened it in the second band hole—just where Donald had worn it. It fits loosely around my arm. The leather is cracked and missing from around that second band hole. That second hole is warped and stretched- attesting to the daily use. I gazed at the second hand- smoothly ticking around the clock face and wondered when it might slow down and then finally stop. I suppose one day I will open the memory box to find the watch has stopped. I thoughtfully consider at what I might do with the watch then. Will I remove the old battery and leave the watch empty and motionlessly preserved in the memory box? Or on second thought, perhaps I might replace the old battery and keep it going- to symbolize the time that continues to separate us. I don’t know which I will do.

I continued to sort through the items in the box- a red satin ribbon from the first gift I gave Donald- from the first Christmas we shared together. A ticket stub from Hulen 10 Theaters from the last movie "date" we went on—"Walk the Line." I also found the funeral notice card that the funeral home placed around town at all the businesses. My eyes went immediately to the watermark left by the vase of flowers I had set on this card.

The week of the funeral, I kept a small wooden table by my front door- with a guest book for visitors to sign. I left the funeral notice card on that table with a small vase of fresh flowers so my visitors would know when the visitation and funeral were scheduled. I ran my fingers across the top left-hand corner of the card over the circular indentation left by the vase- and then read the following words:

"FUNERAL NOTICE
DONALD NEIL MOORE
BORN: FEBRUARY 3, 1966
DIED: "

That is as far as I got. The word caught me in my heart. No matter how many times I look at either the funeral notice card—or his death certificate- that word "DIED" gets me every single time. It is a four-lettered word- in every sense. My heart is still tender toward that word and I still find that sock in my throat when I read it.

I feel that I am mostly healed. The kids have adjusted well in this last year. There are still times we cry from the stress and strain of daily living without Donald- but mostly there is laughter and good memories. It is a tender scar for us. I have healed- but that scar in my heart is still tender and it aches from time to time. I still experience a twinge of pain every now and then- not overwhelming—I shed tears and weep silently- at the ache and loneliness I still feel--but still- today- it wasn’t overwhelming or all consuming as the early months of grieving proved to be. My tears today are a reminder of what once was. I can hardly believe that Donald had cancer for only 2 ½ years. And even though I live it every single day- there are still times that I find it hard to believe he is gone from me.

The cancer was so unbearable to him- especially in that last year- that he would just sigh with resignation- and tell me that he wished he could go home to heaven. And I am certain- for him -- at least in that regard- his home going didn’t come soon enough.

But for us- we still miss him. I miss him.

It is like this- the kids are involved in so many things- growing- changing- and doing well in school. He would be proud of them. I miss him in those moments—when our kids shine- or out do themselves.

A few weeks ago, Truman started playing little league football. He plays both offense and defense- which translates to playing the entire game! In the last few minutes of our first game, Truman picked up a fumbled ball and ran it several yards to the 4 yard line before 4 or 5 players from the other team’s offense brought him down. Others in the stands hollered at me- "That was Truman- He did a great job!" The very next play, our team scored another touch down! We all cheered so loudly for our boys! I had watched Truman’s every step- in eager excitement. I was so proud of him in that moment- and then realized that Donald was not there to celebrate with me. It was a bitter-sweet moment for me- one of great joy- and equally great sadness.

Rebecca is in a league of her own- playing first base on her Junior High Softball team- and now, gearing up for basketball season. I had to take her last week to have an EKG done on her heart. Doctors found she still has a heart murmur. They signed off on her Junior High sports physical- but wanted to do a more thorough check on her heart. I have heard nothing back on this- and assume "no-news is good news." She is still a straight A student- just like her Pop!

Of course- Victoria is reading well. As a third grader, she enjoys chapter books- just like her Poppy! I imagine that if he could see how interested in reading books she is- he would be quite pleased! He would be further amazed that she doesn’t need glasses now- and would have been more than concerned about her abscessed tooth and medical troubles this past summer. Victoria just sang to me the song that Donald used to sing to her- I am so glad she remembers the songs he sang to her!

Lauren is in Kindergarten (and thankfully- the kindergarten teachers haven’t resigned yet!) She enjoys school and has made friends quickly. She is a little bossy- and I think she thinks she is the "Alpha" female in our household- despite my best efforts as squelching her dominant, overbearing personality! I imagine she is high up on the "pecking order" of her class at school too! Poor Lauren has had a rough time- with re-current ear infections and pneumonia. She was Poppy’s girl- and as such he always worried over her.

And little Lincoln- certainly the last—but not at all least! He is topping out the growth charts- just as Truman did (and still does!) Lincoln wasn’t potty trained when Donald died- and though he was 2 ½ years old, he didn’t speak either. It wasn’t until the week following the funeral that he really started talking. Maybe it was then that I noticed his voice for the first time- but I recall others saying the same thing too- "Hey, Lincoln is talking!" He is in head start this year- and loving every minute of it. He comes home excited nearly every day. He tells me about what he is learning and is taking an interest in coloring and cutting. Of all the kids- Lincoln has probably changed the most.

It is in these moments that I miss Donald. But that is not all—I also miss him when parenting or discipline becomes difficult. The kids are still healthy, normal kids- which means they will "buck" me from time to time. I feel weak without Donald here to help me. We balanced one another and were able to stand strong together in our parenting of the kids. When one felt about ready to ‘give in’ to the constant barrage and begging- the other would step in and enforce the rules. It is difficult to stand strong and firm- each and every day- all by myself. But I do my best and ask for help from family- when needed.

I do not let those feelings of missing him- hold me back from enjoying the moment of now. I allow my heart to ache- and I feel the pain of his absence—but more than this- I see hope in the future and recognize and meet the joy that I have today.

And so, as I look into this memory box- I see what was past. I find his glasses- and try them on for the umpteenth time- noting how very poor his vision really was. I take them off and notice the wear on his frames- and nosepiece and then return them to the blue velvet bag the funeral home gave me for his personal effects. I find his college ring in there- and place it on my thumb. It is cold and hard- and too big for my thumb as it loosely rests there. There is also a copy of the memory folder from the day of the funeral. It lists Donald’s full name, birth date, death date, the funeral services and those officiating and providing music. It tells of the casket bearers and of the internment. The 23rd Psalm is recorded on the opposite facing page. These things all represent the tangibles- I can pull them out and remember- and notice the details. This is what I have left.

The other memories are not so clear in my mind’s eye. Like the night he took me on that last date- to see the movie "Walk the Line." I thought we went in April of 2006- but I read the ticket stub and read that we went November 18, 2005. That night is hazy in my memory—and I call it "our last movie date."

But that is simply not true—because the last true "movie date" we went on was in Houston to see "The DiVinci Code." That was May 2006- a few short months before he died. He was in such pain that afternoon- he had to lie across several theater seats to get comfortable. I can recall that it was opening weekend and the theater was literally packed. I remember several people sitting in the aisles to watch the movie. Before the movie started I could feel the heated stares of those unable to find a seat- and there we were- two people taking up four seats. We had arrived early that afternoon and had chosen the "larger" seats toward the top of the auditorium. We lifted the armrests between all four seats so Donald could stretch out and be comfortable. I sat at one end toward the middle of the row and he stretched out across the seats and laid his head on my lap so he could rest. Donald was obviously very sick- so no one challenged us about this. I was glad too. I was even willing to pay for two more tickets to cover the expense of the seats we were using- but thankfully, it never came to that. There was just no way he could have sat up during the entire film. He wanted so badly to watch this movie. His mind was still good and he enjoyed debate. Both the book and the movie were very controversial in Christian circles. Donald enjoyed the mental stimulation and escape that such debate and entertainment offered. I suppose that this movie was another way he could escape- albeit for a few hours—and forget the cancer that so relentlessly consumed him.

My memory of the past is hazy. Some of my memories are altogether gone. I can not recall his voice, his face, or his scent. Things that were once so familiar to me- are now vague and distant- distorted somehow by my own mind’s eye. My memory seems warped and untrue to the very nature of what once was. I struggle with those precise and exact memories- as much as I would like to hold on to them forever- I can not. Like grains of sand sifting through a sieve- so too these fine details have escaped my memory and are gone with the blowing winds of time. It is sad to think of it-- sad in a nostalgic sentimental way.

And this is how it should be- for if I continued to remember those things in detail- I would be haunted and tormented by those memories. Those very memories are things I can not have –and the sharp exactness of those memories would only hurt me- and would serve to pierce, stab and cut my heart continually so that the broken, shattered pieces of my heart would never mend.

My heart has mostly healed…. I don’t say this lightly—but with great care. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of Donald. I am surrounded on all sides of not so gentle reminders- all day- and all night long. I wake in the mornings to an empty bed- where he once was- the bed is cold, untouched, and empty- void of him. I get up and prepare for breakfast and get the kids off to school- he is not here to help- or to encourage- or even to eat breakfast. I work around the house- sorting and folding clothes—non of the clothes are his-- doing dishes, laundry, preparing meals, running errands, paying bills, balancing the checkbook, mowing the yard, one way or another—I always have things going on—But Donald is not here. The kids and I enjoy a movie- or I read a book to them- and he is not here to ask me to read one more chapter! And then there is bed time- and I come full circle- back to an empty bed- cold- and void.

I still think in terms of 7—but now we are six. Five kids and one adult. "How many will be in your party today?" I am asked when we have gone to a nice sit down restaurant- and I stumble at the words- s—six. This presents a whole new set of problems- one adult- a single mother. I can’t tell you how many times that I have found people regarding me with pitying stares- or those who only know I am a "single mother" view me with a judgmental frown. Perhaps I was too easily offended. It bothered me in the first several months. After all it is unusual for a young woman- especially with five children- to be single due to widowhood. I think some people just assumed I was divorced or worse still- never married! These kinds of thoughts nearly killed me- for I was happily married- and would be still- if it weren’t for death. I find even now, my heart is tender and still fragile at times. Perhaps I am just over sensitive to such things. Maybe that is just my "tender" heart. The scar on my heart still pulses and throbs when pressed upon. Like the word I read just today: "Died"—I felt the ache of that word. That single word- when associated with Donald’s name ushers me into the presence and reality of what has happened- what is happening. Donald died- period. That solitary word packs a one-two punch- forcing me to recognize this reality all over again- in light of the past- and the present and the future. It is fact- Donald died.

And so, now my thoughts go toward the future- what I might eventually do—what I should do—and how I will live. I must think in such terms as a widow- without my Donald. Every decision must be weighed with the good of the family in mind—I live very focused now—Every choice I make must be weighed with the kids in mind. I worry sometimes about how I will provide for the kids—save for their college- and save for my eventual retirement. I am trying to be a good steward of all that God has given me.

I have started substitute teaching- though I don’t know how long that will last. I have only worked 2 ½ days thus far. But the inconvenience of securing childcare and shuffling Lincoln 15 miles out of my way is not working. In addition, I have found that those two ½ days left me behind in housework, laundry, and meal preparation. The stress alone- put me down with a severe headache- leaving the kids to fend for themselves once we got home! I thought the free head start day care program could help me with childcare for Lincoln- but discovered that they only accept children for their day care program if the parents work full-time. Since I am part time- and there is no one else to help me—I am left to try to figure out some sort of child care arrangements. It is frustrating to me. I hate to continually impose on my family—My family has offered to help- and has willingly done so on numerous occasions- but I hate to make this a habit. My sister works full time from home- and doesn’t need the extra work of having to watch my kids. I would like to work-and I enjoy the adult interaction. And there is no doubt that I could use the extra income from working part-time. But the added expense and headache of child-care alone defeats the purpose of working. The good news is that I am not in dire circumstances financially. I can continue to live off of social security alone and make do—it just isn’t much to live on.

Several well-meaning people have wondered "when I am going to start working…" I have the distinct impression that these folks are gently nudging or maybe "guilt-ing" me into working. I imagine it is not hard for them to think that I am living on well-fare and perhaps that I am taking advantage of the "system." The reason I say this so freely- is it is exactly what I would have thought about someone in my circumstances before Donald died. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. I am not on well fare- or food stamps- I make too much to qualify for most assistance. And because of Donald’s nominal life insurance policy- I may soon be placed above the limits for free and reduced school lunches- and Medicaid (which only covers the children.). I am saving that small insurance policy for a down payment on a home. In a way, I feel pressured to work—and quite truthfully- this may not be the best thing for my family right now. I would like health care coverage- and will have to eventually work so I can meet that need. But before Donald died- he and I agreed that I would not work until Lincoln started Kindergarten. That is still two years from now. Maybe I feel somewhat defensive about all of this. I probably shouldn’t- but there I go again- wearing my feelings on my sleeve! And so I continue to write on my book and work around the house. We have lived on a lot less- and I know how to get by on a shoe-string budget. I did not get signed up in time to take college classes this fall semester- but I may go ahead and go for the spring semester. There are still lots of options open for me… and I continue to wait on the Lord to direct my paths.

Often times, I feel weak and defeated with out Donald here to encourage me. It is like this for me on many days. I lift my chin up and look to the Lord- and press on. Mostly- I am busy every day. I try to live life to the fullest- the fullest pain- the fullest joy- whatever each moment holds. I take another step forward—and press on.

Missing Donald every day….

In my joy-
In my pain-
Giving thanks- for every thing…

Julia

posted at: 18:40 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Fri, 17 Aug 2007

August 15, 2007
Yesterday- we remembered Donald.

The kids and I went to St. Joe to the hospital- and delivered flowers and a thank you note to one of Donald's favorite nurses. When we arrived on the second floor at the nurses station, Lauren asked to go to see Pop... wow--- she remembered where he had been. But her little mind can not comprehend that he is gone. We went past the room where he died- and there was an elderly gentleman in there. He smiled and waved at the kids and they smiled and waved back. We walked down to the waiting area where I had told the kids about their Poppy's death- Lauren immediately went to the chest of drawers setting there and pulled open the top drawer. She pulled out a coloring book and crayons! I didn't even know that was there- I had spent so much of that weekend in the room with Donald- I had no clue of what she was even doing. It was good to go back and remember. Very therapeutic.

We dropped off the story of "Johnny Cash" and Johnny Cash music CD to Dr. Wiggins- He was the oncologist on call the weekend we were in the hospital. Donald sang "I've Been Everywhere" to him! I really hoped to express to the kids that this loss was hard for our family- but that we can find a measure of comfort and healing in expressing thankfulness to others who have helped us during this battle. We sang and listened to many praise and worship songs on the way to St. Joe- remembering God- Who reigns supreme above all!

Before we left St. Joe- we picked up a White Oak tree. As we drove home from St. Joe- the kids ate their supper and I told them about that weekend a year ago. I told them all that happened- detail by detail- leading up to Pop's death. They were very inquisitive and asked some very good questions. It was a wonderful time of reflecting and remembering.

During that hour- when Donald would have been dying a year ago- the kids and I planted a White Oak tree. It was so good to do this- and talk about how over time that tree would remind them of how they too would grow- and become stronger.

We had a beautiful day-

When we got home- we of course stayed up late and watched Wild Hogs- and the kids laughed the entire way through! Very appropriate -- I thought-- Donald would have really enjoyed this movie- and he did love riding his Harley!

There are a couple of new pictures posted from yesterday-

Thank you for your encouragement and prayers--

Love,

Julia

posted at: 07:39 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Sun, 12 Aug 2007

August 2007
Dear Friends,

It is hard not to look back to one-year ago- and remember all that happened. The fact that one year ago tonight (8-10) was the LAST night that Donald and I shared the same bed- and were together in this house- does not escape me. So many things- as if they were set into motion- and could not be stopped- like the flinging of a door- picking up momentum until it finally stops dead and bolts shut tight… locked… me on the outside—the key on the inside. So too I feel about this one-year mark... I have long anticipated the approach-- the closure- the finality- it seems to be coming at me more quickly than I had anticipated- and gaining speed- and so- here after this--then what? That door will be shut- the door to the first year- the year of firsts-- Never will I have to journey through that particular year again in regard to Donald.

And so it is- today- The last day we would have spent in this house together. I can not help but look at the clock and recognized that my mom would have taken off of work this day (it was a Friday 8/11) a year ago. She had come to help me with unpacking and straightening up the upstairs. We had nearly been three months in this house- and I still hadn’t unpacked us. The four older kids had gone with Donald’s Mom to spend some time and to go school shopping. That would have been on Wednesday (8/9). I had hesitated on that day. I asked Donald if he were sure if he wanted them to go. Death was so close. I could feel the presence of Death in our home. I asked him several times- “Donald are you sure you want the kids to go?” And each time he said yes. I didn’t vocalize it to him- but I was fearful of him dying while they were gone- and then what? The kids needed to be near- when their Pop died. They needed to know FIRST. They had made the journey- these 2 ½ years with the cancer. It was as much their daily battle as it was mine and Donald’s. I did not want any regrets- I wanted them to be near- so when their Pop died they could know- and would know. I was fearful that if they went away for a few days- and then came home and Pop was already gone- Well- I wanted to prevent such a scenario- and thankfully- God was merciful. As it worked out- all things happened, as they should have. But I can not help but mentally replay the events that each day held. I can not help but incline myself to such thoughts.

And as I reflect today (8/11/06) - 4 PM we would have been getting ready to go to the hospital- Donald collapsed on the front porch that hot, humid day. My mom helped me get him up and into the van. Flashes of memory come rushing at me- being on the road on the way to the hospital- calling Jason on our cell phones to come sit with us-- I remember how we arrived at the hospital- Donald’s color was ashen gray and he was working so hard to breathe-- it all seems so surreal. Like a bad dream- and yet here I sit – fully awake.

It is a paradox- bitter and sweet. It seems so strange to be here now. Like yesterday- and yet so much has changed. The kids are a year older- as am I. The ground to the grave now grows green grass- when just a year ago at this time- it was part of the larger, unused portion of the cemetery. We are unpacked- the computer monitor that Donald so carefully chose nearly 5 years ago- is gone. That had to be replaced a few weeks ago. I have had to buy paper towels- and so the last roll that we had purchased together is used- and disposed of. And so goes the passing of one year into the next. Little things, big things, all things- I can not help but see all the things- and witness how each thing-- no matter how small- moves into the next. Each day passes into the next. And this too is as it should be. I have spent a great deal of time reflecting what happened a year ago.

A year ago this morning- as I write this (8/12) I remember how Donald woke up and was drifting in and out of sleep- the beginning of the coma. I remember looking over his body and noting how the edema had magically disappeared over night. I can remember helping him to the bathroom and then feeding him breakfast. The nurses came in mid-morning and took him on a gurney to do chest X-rays. I remember the disappointing news that the fluid had returned overnight. That the doctors there had not seen lungs refill so quickly. When Donald returned to me- he drifted into a coma- and did not wake again all afternoon. Oh- the things I recall. This would have been the day that I was told about “the decision” I would have to make in regard to life support. Thankfully- Donald woke later that day to make his own decision. And then there were the kids. They looked so innocent- so vulnerable- their hearts easily exposed on their faces- in wonderment as they came into the room. They looked at their Poppy lying there- and I visited briefly with each of them. Then- to tell them—to tell them about the ventilator- and the IV lines- and the oxygen and Pop’s condition. I told the kids that Poppy would not wake again from the coma- and that the doctors and nurses felt that he would die peacefully in his sleep. I still remember the way they wailed at the news- mourning loudly and crying bitter tears. All five of them gathered in around me at the foot of the bed and just wept. It was a huge hug- all five kids surrounded me- and each other- crying and looking at me and then to their Pop. They had been on that tight rope for 2-½ years- the tight rope of God’s sovereignty. We had prayed together for Pop’s healing- we had fought the cancer in Fort Worth and in Houston. They had traveled with us to Oklahoma- and helped me when I needed it- and now- they knew for certain. We all knew for certain. Donald was close to death. In fact we had told them 6 months earlier- that that was what the doctors were saying—“Kids, your Pop only has 6 months to live. That means by the time you start school, your Pop may already be gone.” And he was- he was gone a week before school started last year. And I am left to wonder- Will August ever be the same?

On Tuesday, August 14, 2007- at 8:10 PM will mark one year that Donald died. And so then what? I shall move on. It is a decision. And I gladly make it. Life does go on. This year has certainly proved that to me. My life has been on hold for a year now. It has been good for me to have this time to write and to reflect and to grow and to change. Heaven forbid that I remain unchanged! No- that would be the greatest death of all- the living dead.

I have made this journey- through the first year- and survived. There were times early on that I wondered out loud if I would live through it. The pain at times was so intense that I thought it would surely kill me. This pain has had a greater purpose however- it has expanded me- I have never felt such an intense pain- such hurt to the depths of my soul. Never have I felt so alone- and yet in this pain- my heart has expanded- and I sense more room for love, joy, sympathy, and all the other emotions my heart can hold.

I can better understand the emotions and the loneliness that grips ones heart- and would cause them to search out for a new ‘romantic’ interest. I felt --myself- the pain and uncertainty of losing my own identity- and then desiring the “good old days” from where I had just come--- the days of being Mrs. Donald Moore- the days where so much of me was wrapped into so much of him… and now what? Bereaved- I am intimately acquainted with that word- “to be ripped apart.” No one knows the intensity of that word- unless they themselves had lost their soul mate- their spouse- their lover and best friend. Only then, can they know… OH! The futility and uselessness of it all. I have survived those days of despondency- and darkness and depression- and I made the choice to grow through this process. In my heart I have purposed that I would not change a thing about this situation. God has ordained this time, this season, and this life- and to my full ability- I will accept, embrace and yes- even enjoy this too. And this is a choice I make.

For life is most precious and vanishes like a vapor. I do not want to come to the end of my days and in tearful regret announce- “I have wasted it! I have wasted it!” No, far from it- I hope to continue to live life with intention and purpose- giving the most of myself each day. For in so doing- I will be getting the most out of this life of mine!

And so the focus moves from my loss to the kids. I continually hope and pray that I will do this job well- that I raise these children up right- in the fear of the Lord. I think in the beginning- it is a loss that must be processed for “self” first. At least that is how it has been with me. I was self-absorbed- in my loss. And now- a year later-- I am more able to focus on my family- my children. Yes- we are still a family- and my kids still need me. It will take a great deal of effort and balance and perspective on my part. These kids are terrific. They are hard workers and willing to help. I know that we will be fine—God promises in Isaiah 40:11 that He will gently lead those who have young! And so we have found God gently leading us these last years and months. I am so thankful to God for always gently leading us—He never jerks us around on a chain—but rather- gently calls us forward- gently guiding us from trouble- gently moving us on in His timing- to His future and plans for us.

And now, I still have things to do- to learn to ride my (it was Donald’s) Harley-Davidson Motorcycle, finish that beautiful, colorful afghan, and to complete my book. I suppose I have put these things off- for the simple reason that I want Donald to be here. Perhaps I hoped that he would come back to me this year. I want him to be the “end” purpose for my finishing those tasks. But that will never be. I must now finish them for me.

And so, to the future I look. Much of this past year was spent in retrospect. I surveyed the damage- I took one step forward and then two steps back. Gradually, I am moving forward- in very small baby steps. In the months ahead I hope to publish my book- we have quite a story to tell—Donald and I. I have worked on this project off and on during this past year. I have chapters one and two finished in the “rough” and the rest is sitting in my diary- to be chopped and polished for “the rest of the story.” I would like to complete this book and have it published. But if it never comes to pass- I am so glad to have done this- the kids will surely enjoy it- and for me personally- it has been very therapeutic.

After this, I hope to go back to college. I am not certain what I should take- but I am considering getting my elementary education degree- or possibly getting certified to teach high school history.

Lincoln will go to head start this fall. All five kids will be in school—ALL five. I will have time to go back and get some classes. I hope to be gainfully employed soon. It will be good to go to work. While we haven’t been in dire straits- financially speaking- we do need the extra income and health insurance a full time job would provide.

I still hope to have my own place. I pray for God to make a way for us to have our own home. We have heard nothing from the Extreme Makeover- Home Edition. I have had several people ask me about it--- Apparently there are other people in greater need and more deserving than we are. And that is Okay--- for most widows I have met- have had to “rough it” the hard way too- and I am not alone in this. I wish to thank all of you who have had a hand in the application process! What a blessing it was to learn how many of you cared! And so- I will soon see about getting a home for the kids and me. I am trusting God to provide what we need- nothing more- nothing less.

And so, life continues. In the grander scheme of things- many felt the loss as news of Donald’s death rippled out across the state and country. Many were aware of Donald’s illness and passing and watched and waited with us. Many hoped and prayed for God’s healing- and could rejoice in Donald’s home going. And we were all sorrowful over his death as well. And then- life continued for most—days maybe even weeks afterward—it would stir your hearts and you would remember us and pray…. I am thankful for your faithful prayers- for those were dark days- days where-- for me- the world had stopped. I would look around me incredulously- stunned at how the world just kept on moving—and here- in my house- I had endured such a great life storm- such heart ache- such pain- such loss. Even today- I am reminded daily of our loss- Evidence of it surrounds me in every single room. And yet- my heart is healing- the pain not so intense- not so all consuming. God is binding up my broken heart- and healing me from the inside out. We still have a long road ahead of us- the kids and I – but I am so thankful for God’s goodness and mercy- which will follow us all of our days!

Dear ones, I thank God for you- for the way He used you in our lives these past years! I praise God for your love of Him—and the way you have looked in on us and remembered us in prayer. I am sensing some closure to this web page as well. I am not sure how much longer I will continue posting- it was for Donald- and a wonderful tool for keeping everyone informed of his progress. But this too shall pass- and life does go on. And so- I am prayerfully considering closing down the site. I shall keep you aware of the progress of the book and how things unfold in the next few months- But I anticipate closing down the site with in the next 6 months or less.

You each have blessed me beyond measure- In some of the darkest nights- you have come along side with words of encouragement and silent prayers. You have carried this burden with us- through prayers and tears. Thank you for ministering to us- thank you for everything---

Blessings and Much Love,

Julia

posted at: 19:23 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Wednesday July 18, 2007
Dear Ones,

Thank you so much for your prayer support. Lauren came home Saturday (7/14) and is now doing quite well. She is on breathing treatments four times a day and takes an antibiotic twice daily- but is acting and eating like her normal self! The other kids are doing well. We start Vacation Bible School this week. I am helping with the Kindergarten and first grade group. It will be lots of fun. Donald and I loved to teach VBS together and always had a great time doing so. Last year we didn't teach VBS- as he was too sick- and the year before that I was a helper - and he helped as he could. It will be so good to get back into helping again. I look forward to this week and all that God has in store.

It has now been 11 months. I am in the final countdown for the "one year" anniversary mark of Donald's death. I am not sure how I feel about it all. I am so glad that I survived this first year. There were times early on that I didn't think I would live through this heartache- and I am certain had I felt all of the pain, all at once- it would have surely killed me. But God is merciful- and instead- the pain came in waves- in tolerable doses- just when I thought I would go under- it would pass- and so I could continue. There were times when I did "go under" the wave of grief- but those were short instances- and I would come back out of it- nearly as quickly as the grief sucked me under. Pain like this must be endured- and not only endured but embraced. I have learned that if I am to move forward- if I am to continue to enjoy my life- I must take all that life offers me- the good, the bad, and the ugly! How else will I know and experience the depths joy, peace, or happiness if I can not feel to the fullest- the pain, grief, and hurt? It has not been an easy road. These last few years- have been bittersweet in all they offer. We began grieving the moment Donald was diagnosed with cancer. We grieved the losses along the way- with the forward looking hope in God- that Donald could be healed. We trusted in God- we prayed for that healing. Then, as the cancer progressed- we continued trusting God- we continued loving the Lord- and believing He could do anything! Trusting God became a day by day- minute by minute thing-and finally a second by second- breath by breath thing- as Donald eventually declined to threshold of death. In that moment of death- all we had grieved to that point then became my reality. It became our reality. It was a tangible event. And how can this not change me? How can I not be different nearly a year later? God forbid I remain unchanged! For some, death brings bitterness- their souls becomes dead to living. And- is another death- a far greater death than the first- it is the death of self to living life. Does this bitterness bring honor? Does this bitterness change the facts? No- not in the least. And so- I look to my pain- I look to my heartache- I look to my grief- as the catalyst that God is using to change me. I ask- What Lord, is the next impurity that You want to draw out of me? I ask - Lord, please change me- and do not let me waste this. In God's economy- time is irrelevant- He uses it to exact measurements- and increments- and orders our lives and universe by it. Time is a precious non-renewable resource- of which I must be a good steward. My prayer is much the same as before- "Lord, don’t let me waste this." Though this prayer to begin with was in regard to the cancer- and Donald- it is now much larger in scope- that I not waste my life- or the time I have been given.

So grief still come in waves- though much smaller- and less frequently than before. I smile at my memories. I laugh when the kids say or do something that their Pop would have done. Just recently, little Lincoln has taken to fits of "itchiness!" He will come to me and ask me to scratch his back! He will just stand there- with his back facing me- shirt lifted and ask me to scratch his back—and when I think I am finished- he will insist that I continue to scratch as he arches his little back into my pressing finger nails! How can Lincoln know what this means to me? He can not possibly remember those many months ago when Donald needed his back scratched! And I have scratched no one else’s back that way! It makes me laugh to think of it and brings me great joy!

We have all changed. It is as it should be. Time continues forward- life will never be what it was with Donald. It had reached a fullness- a maturity- and a depth of love- and fellowship between us—and in God’s timing had become complete. And so too my grieving. It is reaching a fullness- maturity. I have sensed this for some time. Grief is a unique- individual experience- transforming those hearts that are open to it. As the kids get older- grief will continue to pluck at my heartstrings- at birthdays, graduations, weddings, and with the birth of grandbabies. But I no longer feel robbed or cheated. And I haven’t for some time now. There was a time when I felt cheated. I felt as though God had robbed me- and took from me these things. But indeed- I had been given a gift. It is this gift that I choose to focus on now- rather than what "could have been." I am grateful for having lived that part of my life. I have come to fully accept Donald’s death. In doing so- I am free to embrace my "now," my reality. I am still a mother- I still have five kids to train up in fear of the Lord- I am still a child of the King- and I still have purpose and passion to live life to the fullest. I want nothing less than God’s will- and God’s purpose for life- whatever that He would have- and nothing less.

I want to thank you for taking this journey with me- through these many months- and years. It has been incredible and I hope and pray that your life has been blessed as a result.

This website has been a tremendous source of encouragement and help to me and to my family as we have traversed this rough season of our life. I want to thank you for your many thoughts and expressions of sympathy and encouragement. But more than that- this website has been a sounding board for my own grief- a "safe" place to pound out my thoughts and feelings as I sort and sift them. Or better- as those thoughts and feelings sift me. We have lived life in the open- often times exposing the vulnerable nature of our loss- and you, have met us with arms open in love- never judgmental or critical. Thank you for making this a "safe" place for me as I vent!

Most Thankfully,

Julia

posted at: 19:23 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Sun, 15 Jul 2007

Dear Friends & Family,
Julie has requested that I contact you this morning to let you know that Lauren is in the St. Francis Hospital in Maryville, MO. She has pnemonia and was hospitalized yesterday. She is going to stay again tonight, hopefully going home Saturday morning. Julie is staying with her on a "little mini-vacation and spa retreat....ha, ha, ha." (quoting Julie here.) The phone number, in case you want to call: 660-562-7006. Truman is staying with Paul & Nicki Tracy (he has been helping Paul on the farm) and I am keeping the other children.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers on Lauren's behalf.

Julie's Mom, Carolyn

posted at: 17:11 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Thu, 21 Jun 2007

Dear Friends and Family,
I would like to know who is responsible for "rolling out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer?" And is that person also in charge of the light refreshments and beverages? (Soda, and pretzels and root beer floats?) All we have had so far is the hazy and crazy! I would like some lazy please! You know what I am talking about- those looonnnnggggg days of summer that just drag on and on and on! We seem to have an extra measure of crazy around here!

We have had Victoria’s follow up with the surgeon- and things look good! Praise God! She is now back playing ball- which means we are going somewhere every single night of the week (except for Sunday!) The kids are all enjoying ball- and so am I. It is a little hectic though- I try to pack our dinner in a cooler- and have the ball stuff ready at the door each afternoon. This means I must get the jerseys and shorts/pants and socks all clean and ready to go as well! It is a good kind of crazy really!

We have put in a large garden again. I hope to can and freeze enough produce for the winter. We do not have an outside water hydrant- so we must haul water from the house in buckets. I am so glad we may get some rain today!

It is so hard to believe that it has been 10 months since we lost Donald. It has been an incredible journey! I have read somewhere that when we lose someone we love- we must allow the pain and grief and hurt to come- to not run and hide from it- but rather to embrace it. In this grief then- our hearts can be expanded- for greater love and joy. I believe this is so true. I have seen it in my own life. There is a greater appreciation for the simple things in life. There is much joy and happiness- and so much life to live! I am very excited about the work God is doing in our lives!

We only have a few more firsts to go through now. My birthday is coming up- 4th of July- and of course- August 14- the one-year anniversary of his death.

Yesterday was another first- with Father’s Day. Rebecca was especially aware of this day approaching and knew of a Father’s Day car show locally that she wanted to attend. We attended this same car show last year for Father’s Day. I can remember circling the square looking for a close parking space in the shade- where Donald could get in and out of the van without much trouble or effort. I can remember how Donald struggled to make it around to see all the cars and look at the motorcycles and tractors. He enjoyed himself- but it was very tiring for him. I can remember running across the street to the Dollar Store to get him a chair to sit down in-- he couldn’t go very far but that he had to sit and rest and catch his breath. It all seems so long ago now.

I was really undecided about how we would spend Father’s Day this year. But by Saturday night, I knew we needed to go to the car show- and we would take the Thunderbird to show. We got up extra early on Sunday morning and decided to print out the story of our Thunderbird (I have placed a copy below). I found a picture from our wedding day and put it with the story. I made a couple of signs to put in the back windows of the t-bird which read: 1985 Ford Thunderbird- 30th Anniversary Collector’s Edition- Shown in honor of their father Donald Neil Moore 1966-2006 By his children Rebecca, Truman, Victoria, Lauren and Lincoln and his wife Julia. The kids helped me wash and wax the car. We cleaned the widows and shined the wheels! It was so much fun to do this together yesterday and to remember how God works all things together for them that love Him. We did not place in our category- but at the end of the show- a couple of representatives of the car show came to us and gave us a "special" award for our car and the story we shared! The kids were all so excited by this! What a joy for them- and the perfect way to remember and celebrate their own father! It is a Father’s Day we will never forget!

I pray that this finds you doing well. You each have been such a tremendous encouragement and blessing to me. Thank you for taking time to pray for us- for taking time to write notes- and send us financial help- and just being there when we have needed you. We have not traveled this road alone- it has been with you- and God’s working through you. Thank you for sharing in this burden with us. Thank you for your consistent and faithful prayers for us. I shall never forget this road we have traveled together. I pray that you have been changed by it too- that the flowers are a little sweeter- the skies more blue- that your family- so much more precious- and that you love the Lord with a little more of your heart, soul, mind and strength!

My warmest regards

Julia

My Story

Every car has a story- this one is no different. The first car that I ever purchased was a 1985 Ford Thunderbird- 30th anniversary collector’s edition. I was the third owner and the Thunderbird had 115,000 miles on it.

I met my future husband at that time as well. It was as I sat in the driver’s seat of this first car that he came to the door and on bent knee proposed marriage. It was this same car that we took on our honeymoon and began life together. I often teased him that he had married me for my car! We soon had three children- and the car had 210,00 miles. We parked our bird with the dream of one-day restoring her to "show" condition. I had the uncut keys- and 30th anniversary floor mats still in the box- we had put lots of miles and memories into that old thunderbird.

In the meantime- we continued to look for an old 85 that we could part out for restoring ours. We searched high and low- but only found one in 2005- in Calvert, Texas. My husband had one stipulation- that the second, parts car cost no more than I gave for my first one. The car in Texas was over that price and in very poor condition. We did not purchase that car- but still had the dream of restoring our old thunderbird. Unfortunately- the very reason we traveled through Calvert, Texas-was that my husband was battling cancer - He was a patient at MD Anderson.

We returned to Northwest Missouri in May 2006. My husband died from the cancer in August. Incredibly enough- about 2 weeks after Donald passed away my dad was looking for Model T parts on e-bay and found this T-bird for sale. He did not know of the dream Donald and I shared. We waited for the T-bird to sell- and noticed that there were many interested parties.

The day the bidding was to close- we were in Iowa settling the estate. At 5 PM- my dad called his business partner who just happened to still be at work. From a cell phone in the middle of rural Iowa- we placed our bid on the car. I prayed that if we were to get this car- that the other interested parties would "just be busy" during the last hour of bidding. At 6 PM- we learned that we had won the bid on the car- officially making me the third owner! Including the gas expense and taxes- the car was just under what I gave for my first one! When we went to pick it up- the man selling the car told me that the other man who had bid on the car had called later that evening and was upset he had lost the car- stating that he had been "busy" and missed out on the bidding!

This Thunderbird has 61,000 miles on it. It is all original. The kids and I will enjoy "fixing" this car to make it show ready! It has been such a joy for us to own! This car is a gift from God!

While some dreams die, God has taught me that other dreams do come true- it is good to have dreams and to pursue them to completion! The kids and I still have that first Thunderbird. We dream of one day restoring it to "show" condition!



posted at: 07:40 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Mon, 28 May 2007

Friday May 25, 2007
Dear Friends and Family,

Let’s have some strawberry pie!

In our family, we like to have strawberry pie when we get good news. We spoke to the Doctors this afternoon- and thankfully- pathology reports are back and show no evidence of cancer or pre-cancerous cells! Hooray! Praise God! We are so very thankful and relieved!

The doctors and pathologists really have no idea what it was in Victoria’s jaw, nor do they know what caused it. There are a couple of theories though. One is that it was an abscess either related to a tooth or from some other cause. The problem with it being an abscess is that the Doctors could not locate the source of infection- either from a tooth or otherwise. The other alternative is a very rare cyst- called a brachial cleft cyst. This type of first stage cyst develops predominately in females- Victoria’s age- and is related to the growth and development of the bones. There is evidence to support either one of these theories- but not enough evidence to do so conclusively. In short, the doctors do not know what Victoria had- nor do they know what caused it. It could occur again- but if it does- we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

The doctors will remove stitches next week and we will go back for post-surgery follow-up in two weeks. The good news is that Victoria is cancer-free!

Thank you so much for your prayers- encouragement- and kindness!

We love each of you and are blessed by your friendship!

Warmest Regards

Julia
Rebecca, Truman, Victoria, Lauren and Lincoln

www.donmoore.info

posted at: 23:21 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Wed, 23 May 2007

Monday, May 21, 2007
Dear Ones,

Wanted you to know that Victoria has been scheduled for a biopsy for this Thursday morning. The doctors will perform an "open" biopsy of the mass on the lower left jaw. They will begin by exposing the bone from the inside of her mouth and doing an exploratory type surgery. This will be followed by an incision on the underside of her jaw where the tumor will be excised. It is possible that surrounding tissues may be sampled as well. The doctors hope to have pathology reports completed by Friday afternoon. They do not believe it is anything to worry about. I am very guarded with my feelings in regard to this. For me, it is easy to worry about this. It wasn't too long ago that we were doing this very thing with Donald- hoping for the best. I hope and pray that this mass on Victoria's jaw is nothing at all. I believe the older kids suspect that something is not right. I am still keeping the details sketchy for the kids' sake. Thank you for your prayers- We have been so blessed by each of you!

Love,

Julia

posted at: 01:01 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Mon, 21 May 2007

Saturday, May 19, 2007
Dear Family and Friends

As you know, Victoria has had some trouble with her teeth this last year. She had 5 baby teeth removed on Feb. 14 and we hoped that this would take care of her and get her on the road to good teeth and great health. About 6 weeks ago- she had an ear ache and her left jaw started swelling. Doctors put her on antibiotics and that seemed to take care of the problem. (It was diagnosed as an ear infection.) Two weeks ago- I took Victoria to the dentist for a routine check-up- and cleaning- and things seemed fine then. But then last Thursday- May 10 (3 days after the check up), Victoria said she felt sick. I fed her breakfast and sent her to school. About an hour later the school called to tell me that Victoria had vomited- but was not running a fever. She stayed home Thursday- and went back to school on Friday. Last Saturday morning she mentioned that her jaw was hurting. So we went to the Doctors office and the doctor said it looked like she had an abscessed tooth. He started her on heavy duty antibiotics- because that lower left jaw was swelling to beat the band. I took Victoria to the dentist on both Monday and Wednesday of this past week and we scheduled a surgeon to have that permanent tooth removed. In the meantime, the antibiotics have helped to bring the swelling down some- but now there is a noticeable knot on the left side of her jaw. We noticed yesterday afternoon it is pinkish and purplish in color. She is still in pain. So- on the advice of two dentists- I took her to the ER last night (Friday May 18) in St. Joe. (We were just two rooms down from where Donald had been 9 months ago.) The doctors were reluctant to treat her for an abscessed tooth- citing that there is really no real dental emergency that can not wait until Monday- but did finally treat her after I told them all that had happened this last week. They did blood work and a CT scan. The doctor came in 5 hours later to tell me that Victoria has a "mass" on the lower left jaw bone. It does not look like an abscessed tooth from radiology reports. It looks more like a tumor of some kind. The blood work ALL looks normal- which is a very good thing. It means the body is not fighting infection. It does not look like it is eating into the jaw bone- which is also a good thing. It seems to be a "contained" mass- that has not spread- nor does it appear infectious.

As you know- Donald died from his cancer a little over 9 months ago. I would ask that for now- you would pray that this 'tumor' be benign- or lesser still. We will go Monday to see a dental specialist to determine if we should have this mass biopsied or if it is indeed a "lesser" thing- that would not need extreme medical intervention.

So- I ask you to pray for Victoria.

The next thing I would ask is that you do not alert any of the kids to this yet. I really do not want other children coming to my own to tell them they are sorry or asking questions- as my kids are clueless about the whole thing- and I intend to keep it that way- until we better know what we are dealing with. My kids do not know what is going on- Victoria-- while she sat right in the room with me and the doctor as we discussed this --still has no idea. I prefer to keep it that way for now. Until we know exactly what is going on- I would rather not have the kids worry themselves with this. We are simply too fresh in our loss from Donald. We have just started summer break- and I would like it to be a fun one for them all- free of worries!

Thank you so much

We are going to maintain a normal- hard to catch us schedule- this weekend. Ball practices/ Ball games/ being outdoors/ church and Sunday school- and maybe just resting on Sunday!

Just pray

Thank you

Love each of you

Julia www.donmoore.info

posted at: 21:30 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Tue, 08 May 2007

Sunday May 6, 2007
My Dear Friends-

Craziness- that would pretty much describe my world right now.

It is mostly a good kind of crazy- with three kids in ball- playing or practicing every day of the week! School is almost out for summer break and I find myself looking forward to those "lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer!"

The kids and I traveled to Des Moines yesterday to attend Donald’s oldest nephew’s Graduation Reception. We had a wonderful time visiting with family and friends- and making new friends. I was a little sad that Donald could not be here for Kade’s graduation. It was so obvious to me that he was missing. He would have loved meeting everyone- and razzing Kade- and just generally being himself! I know that Donald was so very proud of his nieces and nephews. He loved his family dearly. Kim put together a terrific slide show presentation of Kade’s life- and I found myself getting misty eyed at some of the photos she selected. Hard to believe that Kade is a young man already.

Today has been interesting. We got home late last night. After I got the kids tucked in bed- I discovered we were under a tornado watch. All night long my weather radio kept blaring out warnings. It would seem I would just get back to sleep and either my son Truman was coming in to wake me about the weather or the weather radio was sounding another alert. I was very tired from all our running last week- but it seemed I might have been better off not to have even tried to sleep at all. Sometimes I feel even sleepier because of all the disruptions- than I might have if I had just stayed awake!

At 4:30 this morning- as I was making another trip into the office to listen to the latest weather alert, I discovered the ceiling in our bathroom was leaking! AAAA!!! I placed a bucket under the dripping water and was able to soak up the water from the carpet. (I just do not understand why anyone would put carpet in a bathroom!) Anyway, when I got up at 7:30- I found our basement had flooded- big time. What a mess. My "laundry room" is in the big, open, unfinished basement. The washer and dryer sit elevated on pallets off of the floor- as does the chest deep freeze. I have another upright freezer that is not on pallets- and was in the standing water. My treadmill was also in the standing water. I had to wait for help to arrive for safety reasons due to concern over the possibility of electrocution from the standing water in the basement. In regards to both my back yard and my basement – one could say that "a river runs through it!" There were a few boxes and some of Donald’s tools that got wet as well. Thankfully I finished most of my laundry on Saturday morning. I only had a couple of loads left on the floor- but they managed to get sopping wet along with most everything else in the basement. The house we live in is very old- and needs a LOT of work. It is such a blessing to have a place to live even- and we are so thankful for this home- troubles and all. We would not have a place to live otherwise. The housing situation in this area is so limited. But OH the work that is here in this house! We have had mice, bugs, frogs, floods, sewage back ups in the basement, leaks in the roof and water damage in the kids rooms upstairs—We have had a lot of things happen! It is incredible the things we have seen!

As I went to my basement this morning to face the mess- and the rain water- and to wonder at how on earth I would get it all cleaned up- a Scripture came to mind. John 16:33 says, "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world YOU WILL HAVE tribulation; but be of GOOD CHEER, I have overcome the world." (Emphasis mine)

These are the words of Christ. In this verse we are told that we WOULD HAVE tribulation. IT is a certainty- It is definitive- we WILL HAVE troubles. Tribulation is literally "pressure," and means figuratively "affliction" or "distress." Have you had some distressing things happen lately? Have you had some things to cause you pressure or that make you feel afflicted?

I want to encourage you- this is not uncommon. Everyone faces troubles. What is uncommon is to live for years and years- without distress- without pressures- and with out these troubles and affliction. WE WILL have troubles. It is not pleasant. It is not easy. Sometimes it is as if our very being is stretched to the limits and then beyond. The question we each need to answer is how we plan to handle these troubles when they come to us?

I love my children dearly- but they are kids- and they act like kids. Sometimes I would like them to act more maturely- but that is just wishful thinking! When things don’t go their way- they will sometimes "pitch a fit!" You know what I am talking about! When the younger ones have a tantrum- they will stomp their feet- or hold their breath until their face turns red- just to emphasize how angry they are. Sometimes you can see toddlers pitch a fit by lying on the floor and kicking and screaming. (I think this would have been very satisfying to me when I saw my messy basement- but I decided against it as the floor was all wet and muddy- hence more work for me!) As kids get older- their tactics change. Sometimes they will make smart remarks and back talk. Then there’s the eye rolling business. Sometimes they just storm off and slam doors. It is tempting as adults to want to "pitch a fit" when things do not "go our way." I have been guilty of such tactics and I know many other adults who also know how to throw a good fit! Most usually- however- these "fits" really don't do anything to help us or change our situation! If anything- they can do more harm than good. I have a friend who slams kitchen cabinet doors for emphasis when she gets mad- Unfortunately- she has found that this type of statement only causes the doors of her cabinets to come off their hinges! (Adding more aggravation to the situation!) It really comes down to a choice between insanity and hilarity! Will I react to this situation like I feel like- you know the kicking, screaming fit- or am I of "good cheer?" "Don't sweat the small stuff- and it is all small stuff "applies here! Donald's Harley-Davidson motorcycle is sitting in water in the basement. I could let this upset me-and frustrate me- or I can do what I can to take care of the problem. Insanity or Hilarity- hhmmm... I think I will choose hilarity! I have to laugh about this- instead of being a "Hog Mama" I should be a "Swamp Mama!"

As I think about trials, troubles and tribulations- I am reminded that we all experience difficulties. Life is full of trouble. As I think back to my marriage—Donald and I still had these kinds of troubles. We still had things come at us in our every day living that "rocked the boat." (Remember our basement is flooded- I have boats on my mind right now!) The house we rented in Iowa had snakes and bats sharing some of our living space! EEEEEEWWWWW! We had a couple of times there when our basement flooded. But that was all BC- before cancer. It seems now in the wake of his death- that everyday experiences are magnified. If I were sad BC (Before Cancer) that my husband could not come to family event because of work- how much sadder I am now- because he can never go to another family get together again? When I had been troubled by basement flooding BC – how much more am I troubled now that he is not here when my basement floods? It is hard not having my husband here. Everything seems magnified in this loss. I could even say that the happy moments and joyful times that I have now are laced with the desire to share those times with him. I must choose to be of good cheer!

Marriage is like this: it is a partnership of "two becoming one"- and sharing in each other’s burdens. When we grieved it wasn’t so hard- because we had someone there to share in that heartache with us. Our grief and troubles were divided because we had one another. When we were joyful- the joy and happiness were multiplied and were abundant between us both. That is the beauty of "oneness." When you experience the death of your spouse- it is as if- the reverse were true. What was once so happy and joyful- is less so. When we are sad and heart broken- it is multiplied because of our loss. It is a strange sort of reversal.

When we married- the two became one flesh. I didn’t realize how true that was until after Donald died. Donald had cancer- so we had months to prepare for his death- but it was still a shock when it actual happened. Many others have experienced loss in an instant- suddenly. I can hardly imagine what it would be like to experience such a sudden and unexpected death. Shock doesn’t begin to cover it. Donald and I grieved the losses as they came at us little by little and one by one. Then, he died. It was in his death that our paths separated forever. A major loss such as death- causes a change in who we are. You can not avoid it. We can not be who we were when we were married- if the marriage itself is no more. The very relationship that defined us for months or years – is now gone to us forever and we must take time in getting ourselves back together again. I am finding time is now my friend. I had wondered early on in this process if I would ever like time again. Time was distancing me from my precious husband. Death itself means "separation." Each minute that passed was one more minute further from Donald. I realize now more than ever that I carry my memories of him in my heart. It is a blessed thing!

It will soon be nine months since Donald’s death. This has been an amazing journey. My emotions have run full swing- and full course. It has almost been as if I have not been thinking in my right mind during some of these past months. Time has been warped- but is now becoming familiar, steady and constant. My emotions have been leveling off- thankfully.

As I close my letter today- I want to leave you with a couple of things to think on-

How will you handle the troubles that come your way? (I am still voting for kicking and screaming as I lay on the floor- my younger two still do that and it just HAS to be terribly satisfying!) Can you find humor in the flat tire or in the bag of groceries that you paid for –but left at the store? Hilarity or insanity? Which will you choose? I hope you choose to be of good cheer!

Just some food for thought... How are you living intentionally today?

Still swimming in the river of life with my head above water---

Julia

posted at: 22:27 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Mon, 30 Apr 2007

April 27, 2007
Dear Friends,

I would like to share with you some of the things I am learning. This season of grief- has also been a season of blessing. It is in this season that I find myself wrestling with God's Word. I have read somewhere about how trials and tribulations and struggles can cause a gap between your Theology (what you believe about God) and your reality (what you are experiencing). It has been in those "gaps" that I have been challenged in my faith. Some people choose to abandon their faith. Some choose to embrace it and wrestle it! I am and always have been a fighter! I love a good scrap! Donald and I could really go round and round about some topics- and in such debate- we would both grow! Now, as a result of my loss, I am learning how to duke it out with myself! I find these gaps where reality and theology do not meet up- and I wrestle with it. I think about it- I ponder God's Word in search of answers. Sometimes, I come away with more questions! Sometimes, I barely scratch the itch! I would like to share with you now some of the things I have been learning. This hardly scratches the itch- but the things God has shown me have been very satisfying! In the end, I think it is like a broken bone- in that broken area- when things are "re-set" I am made stronger!

In this letter, I will examining three different sets of words. Happiness & Joy. Eagerness & Anxiety. Hoping & Wishing. The springboard for this discussion is the word Happiness. See if you can follow my thought process as the Lord led me through these word comparisons.

Happiness is a wonderful emotion- but it is so shallow. Happiness is a circumstantial, superficial emotion. In other words, happiness comes and goes. Happiness is based on what is going on around you. When Donald died- I felt sad- I felt grief- "happiness" wasn't even in my vocabulary. After many weeks, I would have fleeting moments of happiness. Happiness would peek out at me like a ray of sunshine catching a brief glimpse of the world from behind building storm clouds.

Did you know that there is a difference between happiness and joy? Sometimes these two words are used interchangeably. It is an unfortunate mistake. We seem to do that with many words. Take the words "anxious" and "eager" for instance. Most of you know how I feel about the word ANXIOUS- and that it means "fearful fretting" and "worry." Often times we use this word to mean something positive though: "I am "anxious" for my house to be built." The word "anxious" does not fit there. I am not "fearfully fretting" for my house to be built- but rather I am "EAGER" for this good thing to happen.

Joy and happiness are both good things- don't get me wrong. But these two words can not and should not be confused. Let me explain "happiness" further. It is good to be happy- but reality will not allow happiness to last. Happiness- is a circumstantial emotion. Circumstances change. I might have been happily married- but now what??? But now circumstances have changed. I am a widow. I have found happiness as a widow- but again- it all relates to circumstances. Happiness is fleeting. Sometimes- it is as if happiness were a stranger. Happiness comes quickly, stays only a short time, and leaves with haste. Happiness is nearly rude in the way it teases us with its short, cheery visits- only to leave us alone with another one of those superficial, not so cheery emotions- such as "loneliness" or "anxiousness." Happiness is a fickle emotion- which comes and goes as circumstances change. If you hang your hat on happiness- you will find your hat on the floor.

Joy on the other hand- runs much, much deeper. JOY is not based in circumstances but is more closely related to what you HOPE in and the things you HOPE for. Because I have HOPE- I also possess Joy- and Joy remains- even when circumstances are not conducive to happiness. If any of you have looked at the pictures here, you will notice pictures from the day of Donald's funeral. It may seem an odd occasion to photograph- but we took many pictures that day. One reason I wanted pictures was so the little ones would have "memories" of that day. In one picture, you will see me and four of the kids standing in front of Donald's casket at the graveside. I am smiling. It would seem that I am "happy" but I was far from it. It was a very sad occasion- and yet- I still had JOY in my heart- and it showed on my face. I was not merely smiling at the camera. I always wear a smile!! To a fault!! (All of my exclamation points are pointing to my smile and laughter- not anger and emphasis! It really is contagious!) You see, the day of the funeral I was not "happy." My circumstances were not what I wanted. But- there was JOY in my heart because of the HOPE that I have. Joy lives in me- and goes where ever I go! I would take Joy over Happiness any day of the week! Joy continues and remains and grows and thrives in HOPE.

If what I am saying is true- then how can you have HOPE? How can JOY be planted and cultivated and harvested in your own life? Well, let's define HOPE... Hope as defined most often by the Hebrew writers of the Old Testament (think Promise when you read Testament) meant "to wait with expectation." WAIT- UGH! That is a difficult word! Waiting is so hard. We each one are in another season of waiting. I am not yet healed from my loss. I am not yet whole again. Some wait eagerly- and expectantly for a new career or job opening or promotion. Some wait for the sun to shine once again in their lives and the darkness of the shadow of death to pass quickly. Some wait for the kids to get out of diapers or for the kids to go to school. We all wait. So we wait- but are you waiting EXPECTANTLY? AND for what are you waiting? HMM.... just think about that. According to the Greek writers of the New Testament (Promise), Hope meant "confident expectation." So we have a definition of HOPE- "to wait with expectation. Confident expectation." HOPE does not mean or correlate with "wishful thinking." HOPE is when you BELIEVE that something can be done- or can happen and you wait expectantly or in eager anticipation. Isn't that exciting??!!! To nail down Hope- it is KNOWING GOD and BELIEVING GOD and TRUSTING GOD for His promises to be fulfilled! His Word says- He keeps his promises. The Old Testament and New Testament are full of His promises- ones that have come to pass- and ones that will come to pass! (Remember Testament means promise?!) But HOPE is so much more than that. Hope is knowing that with God, all things are possible. Love "hopes" all things! (from Corinthians 13:7) The main object of HOPE then is God! How do we know God- How do we know God's promises? By studying His Word- the Bible. More on Hope in just a minute... let's take a quick look at "wishful thinking."

Now- let me go out on a limb and define "wishful thinking." Often times HOPE and WISH are used interchangeably- again- a very big mistake. Wishful thinking is wishing something would happen- but that "wish" is NOT in God's will for you personally and/or it goes against His Holy Word. Let me give you some examples of "wishing."

Wishful thinking goes like this, "I wish I could look like this person... or that person." (I wish I looked like a super model!- No, really I do!) But the truth is God created you so that you are unique. You are created in His own image! He formed you in your mother's womb and knows every hair on your head. You are precious in His sight- and His eyes never leave you! Isn't that exciting??!! You see, God created you a certain way, for this time, for a special purpose. It is wishful thinking to be like someone else. God's will for you personally is to be the best "you" you can be- not to be a carbon copy of someone else!

Another example of "wishful thinking" is "I wish I could win the lottery." There is nothing wrong with wealth or money- but there is a lot wrong with gambling and the "love of money." When you begin to siphon extra money away into something you "wish" would pan out- then you are hanging HOPE (God) in the closet and wishing for LUCK to favor you. An idol has been made in the form of "LUCK" and God is forsaken.

Another example of wishful thinking occurs within Christian circles. It is called "the health, wealth, and prosperity message" or the "name it and claim it theology" you hear on television. (There are a few solid Bible teachers and preachers on TV- you must study God's Word for yourself and be VERY careful of what you listen to!!!) (Those exclamation points were for emphasis!)

Do you see where our focus is when we are wishing? It is not on GOD! Our focus when we "wish" for something is on someone- or something else. It is all in your focus! Our FOCUS is the KEY! Where is your focus? Your focus will determine whether or not you are "wishing" or "hoping!"

HOPE is God-focused. Hope is believing that with God- ALL things are possible- and trusting Him regardless of your circumstances OR the outcome. When Donald had cancer, we HOPED and prayed for his earthly healing. Our focus remained on God and His sovereignty. I have often said we walked the tight rope of God's sovereignty- knowing that on one side of the line lay the physical healing we were praying for- but on the other side lay the ultimate healing where Donald would be healed from his body- straight into the waiting arms of Jesus. Our focus then was on what God could do to heal Donald. We did not "Hope" in man - but "Hoped" in what God could do through man. We Hoped regardless of the situation or the eventual outcome. Donald continued to Hope in God until he drew his last breath- and those things he hoped for came to pass! He went home to Heaven! Hope still lives here in my heart. I still hope in God. Hope is like that- it runs deeper and because it runs so deep- Joy runs deeply too!

Here is how you can have HOPE: Hope begins with accepting God's free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ and trusting Him and Him alone for your eternity. There is nothing I can do to "earn" my way into Heaven. Likewise, once I have accepted the gift of salvation- there is nothing I can do that is so bad that I could lose it! Once a gift has been given- it can not be taken back by the giver! What JOY and freedom in such a love and HOPE!!! Salvation is a PROMISE of God to those who receive it. It is freely given- and we must freely choose it- OR it wouldn't be true love. God honors our choice to receive His gift or reject His gift. He never forces salvation on us. Salvation, once accepted, is a done deal! Romans 8:35 says, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?" Verses 38-39 continues, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Wow! Can you think of anything that can take you away from God and His salvation? Me either! Incredible Hope! So here it is step by step:

Plant HOPE by following these steps...
*Believe God's Word- Jesus is God's Son. He died for you and me- so we could come to God.
*Ask Jesus to forgive you for doing things your own way. Then stop doing things your own way!
*Invite Jesus to be Lord of your life. Turn away from living for yourself (self-focus). (This is a continual process. We never "arrive" at perfection.)

Grow and nurture HOPE by following these steps...
*Study God's Word.
*Pray.
*Attend a Bible believing, Bible teaching church.


As you mature, HOPE and JOY grow! Soon your "cup will run over!"

So, where are you? Do you POSSESS this HOPE? Do you have JOY? Or is there emptiness instead? This Joy and Hope I have been talking about only come from Jesus. He is the Lord and Savior. He is THE way, THE truth and THE life. No one comes to God except through Him. I know I share this often- this comes from my heart. I want you to experience the hope and joy I have! I have HOPE- I have JOY- and there is a bright tomorrow. Like you, I still have troubles- the washing machine still quits me. My car needs work. My toilet tank leaks. The basement floods when it rains. My dog has fleas. My yard needs mowing. My kids are demanding. I do not have a home of my own. I have no health insurance. I have no job. The money we have to live on is tight. I could go on and on... but I have HOPE and JOY because I have JESUS. I know I can trust Him with my today, tomorrow and all my needs! Each day, I spend quiet time with the Lord- I tell Him everything- I pray about these things and I ask Him for help. I may feel "lonely" but am never "alone!"- There is a tremendous difference! I spend time reading the Bible and I am encouraged and uplifted! It is good to have HOPE! It is good to have JOY! It is good to have Jesus! The amazing thing is- PEACE comes with HOPE and JOY! I pray that you possess this same HOPE and JOY and PEACE!

Blessing,


Julia

posted at: 14:00 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Wed, 11 Apr 2007

April 9, 2007
Dear Ones, I hope this finds you doing well!

We have been unusually sick this winter. It seems just as we all get well one of us comes down with something else! Last week it was Lauren. She started running a fever on Tuesday- but thankfully it was the 24-hour kind. Right now we have been having the sniffles- and coughs. I will be glad when we can all be well again!

I wanted to share with you my Easter Sunday. I had been studying the Sunday school lesson earlier in the week. Our lesson came from the book of Luke and recounted the Resurrection story. The thing that stuck in my mind Saturday night was Luke 24:1 "But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they came to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared."

On Sunday morning, I was busy getting myself and the kids ready for church. As I did so, that verse stayed with me. I pondered the meaning and significance. As I thought about Mary and Martha going to the tomb where Jesus was laid- I brought myself into the picture. I thought of death. I remember the week after Donald died- and how busy and full of activity it was. My thoughts went to Mary and Martha- and some of the things they must have been surely feeling. I thought of Jesus- the one they loved and served and how agonizing it must have been for these two believers to go to the tomb and do this thing for His body. I thought of the oils and spices they surely must have used to make the embalming mixture. Death is so final. Death- it seems- had won.

I don’t know if you know this or not, but death has a scent. Many of my memories have with them a certain smell or scent. Cigarette smoke and a ham dinner with hot rolls reminds me of my Grandma’s house at the holidays. My mother has an old crocheted poodle that smells like Great Grandma’s house. The smell of Lysol and ivory soap reminds me of my other Grandparents home. Lilacs and wild plum blossoms all remind me of springtime where I grew up. As I thought about Mary and Martha- I realized that Death had a certain smell to them. It was the smell of those spices and oils they used to embalm their loved ones with. I thought of Donald… I had used many kinds of oils on him while he was still alive. We would have visitors to our home and many times they would ask about the fragrance they smelled. For us, that became the scent of Donald and his cancer treatment. Some friends from Kansas City sent us a box of essential oils while Donald was still in the heat of the battle. I would use those oils 3 and 4 times a day. It became a very precious time for us, as I would lovingly serve him in this way. I would rub oils on certain points on the soles of his feet. I would rub oils on his spine and around his back. I would rub oils on his head, neck and shoulders. I would rub oils on his chest and sometimes on his face. He really enjoyed this time. We would play quiet music and sometimes he would go to sleep! As I thought about this- I remembered how last August I had asked my mother to bring those oils with her to the hospital. Donald was dying and I was not about to leave his side. I asked her to bring the oils and a change of clothing for Donald and me. I had already purposed in my heart to rub oils on his body after he died. I didn’t tell him of this plan- I just chose to do this on my own. It was more for me than for him. After Donald died, I asked his mother and his sister if they would like to help prepare his body. They had both cared for him while he was alive- and I thought it was fitting for them to help care for his body after death. They were glad to help me with this. We set about to clean and bathe his body- maintaining his modesty at all times. I took care of the intimate details of my husband- with them looking away. When we had dried him, we took the oils and put them on him. We talked of Donald and things we remembered of him. It was a blessed time of fellowship. It was precious and I will never forget it.

As I was getting ready to leave for church yesterday morning I grabbed two bottles of oil. I wanted to share with the kids the things the Holy Spirit had been showing me. I brought with me Frankincense and Sandalwood. As we drove to church, I handed the bottle of Frankincense to Rebecca and told her to smell the oil. She did and passed it back to the other kids. I asked them what that smell brought to mind. Immediately, they chorused together, "Poppy!" I then told them that death had a smell. I asked them, "Kids, can you remember a time in the life of Jesus when Frankincense was important?" They remembered that at Jesus’ birth the Magi brought three gifts: gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. I asked them why the Frankincense was important. They did not know. I told them how the Frankincense was used as embalming fluid during that time. It was a costly and precious oil. Most scholars believe that Jesus was given this great gift as a "sign" of his own sacrificial death and that most likely, Joseph and Mary had sold the Frankincense to finance their escape from Herod. I then told the kids that on the third day after Jesus died- Mary and Martha had gone to Jesus’ tomb to put oils and other spices on the body. I told the kids that Frankincense could have been one of the oils they had used. I shared with the kids that death had a scent- and for Mary and Martha- this Frankincense was the scent. I continued by telling the kids how Mary and Martha came to the entrance of the tomb- and there found the stone rolled away. Two angels spoke and asked Mary and Martha, "Why do you look for the living among the dead?" I shared with excitement how the scent of death- became the scent of life! Jesus was alive! He was/is the first born from the dead- we have no need to fear death when Jesus lives in our heart!

I am thrilled to share this next part with you! Isaiah 61:1-3 says this: "1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners; 2 To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord and the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."

Did you catch in verse 3- To grant those who mourn … the oil of gladness instead of mourning?? That first Easter morning on the way to the tomb- Mary and Martha believed that death had won. They had seen the body of the Lord- DEAD. They had the scent of death on them. When you mix oils and spices- the fragrance is thick and heavy. Even today, I can still smell the oils on some of our pillows on my bed. That fragrance was a tangible reminder of death- and yet- when they arrived at the tomb that first Easter morning- and found it empty-they learned that Jesus was ALIVE! The oil of mourning became the oil of gladness! The Lord Jesus had indeed conquered death! It is for this reason I have the hope that I do! The Bible tells us God’s Word. It is truth! Jesus is alive and well. He was the first born from the dead! I have this hope and power living in me- Jesus is my Lord and Savior! I pray that you have this hope too! I shared these things with the kids and told them that if Jesus lives in their heart- they have the hope of Heaven! One day, we will each one die- our bodies will quit working- but what glorious hope we have in Jesus! I told the kids that while Pop’s body had quit working- Pop lives on because Jesus was in his heart! I reminded the kids that the oils we rubbed on Pop after he died- was not the oil of mourning- but the oil of gladness. The Bible says that Christians are not to mourn as the world mourns. We do not mourn the way the world mourns because we have hope in Christ!

"I will rejoice greatly in the Lord, My soul will exult in my God; for He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, And as a bride adorns herself with jewels." Isaiah 61:10

Are you clothed in salvation today?

Rejoicing greatly in the Lord,

Julia

posted at: 22:28 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Thu, 29 Mar 2007

Dear Friends,
I am so glad for the return of spring- for it reminds me of God’s faithfulness! The kids have been busy with end of the year lessons and testing- they only have 37 days of school left! Good Grief! Where has it all gone?

I have a quick story to relate to you. On Saturday, the kids and I went out to the farm where I grew up. They had wanted to go fishing for sometime and so I decided to just run out there and fish in one of the ponds. We gathered a few fishing poles we have here at the house and a tackle box and headed that way. Upon arrival, I decided to get into the storage bin where Donald’s old fishing poles were located and get a couple extras out so everyone would have a pole to fish with. The older kids were especially thrilled to use their Pop’s fishing equipment. Some of the other cousins came to Grandma’s house too- and soon we had the perimeter of the pond occupied with fishers! Everyone seemed to be having luck- everyone that is except for Truman. I could tell his frustration was growing. I went to him and talked with him about his anger. He complained that everyone else was catching fish- but he wasn’t. I told him to be patient. A good fisherman is one who is patient- and is relaxed. I told him to cool it, be calm, and patiently endure- and most assuredly he would begin to catch fish. He decided to try this and as I walked away, he cast his line out into the water- and immediately caught his first fish! God is so good! That was the first of many fish Truman caught that afternoon. The Lord helped teach me a very valuable lesson in the midst of this as well! I love how the Lord works- and how he uses those around us to teach us His life lessons! As much as I hate being in a spot where I am depending on others for help- as much as I feel like I am stuck in a season of waiting—and I don’t even know what I am waiting for—as much as I would like to have a home of my own- but at this time can not… I was reminded of some very important principles by fishing! I must be content! I must be patient and relaxed- and wait on the Lord! He will reveal to me in His own good timing His good and perfect will for my life. I can trust Him for that!

Update on Extreme Home Makeover

I was very excited when my sisters announced on Christmas Day that for my gift - they were going to apply for an Extreme Home Makeover for the kids and I. For those who are not in the United States- this is a reality TV program on ABC. A team of interior design artists come and with the help of a local builder and many volunteers- tear down an existing home to build a brand new home, complete with furnishings for a deserving family. I was overwhelmed as I listened to my sister’s share their unique stories of how they came to such a decision- and blessed beyond compare that they would feel we were "deserving." I then shared with them how two people I know had the same idea and had just asked me about applying. One was a dear friend from Alabama and the other was Donald’s sister Kim. We felt led by the hand of God to go forward in the application process- trusting that God would work His perfect will in this.

We set a date of January 1st to begin working on the application process with the completion goal of January 20. We soon discovered however, that we only had a couple of days to get our application in for our state. We scrambled to do so and unfortunately, it arrived one day late. Since that time, my sister Jane shared with me how she contacted all of my friends from around the country and other parts of the world and many have either made videos or sent letters of recommendation on our behalf. I must tell you- that even if we never own a home of our own- I am blessed beyond measure by the love, support and prayers from my brothers and sisters! I am so blessed by each of you- and the concern you still have for us! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! These last few years has proven to be an amazing journey- of hope, love and faith! Thank you for being a part of that with us!

Several of you have asked to be kept informed of the progress of our application. I am not sure where our application stands. I "think" that it takes 6 months or so for the initial phase of the screening process to be completed. I "think" the applications are "rolling" meaning that they consider them over and over again. We were watching the program a couple of weeks ago and saw from the local programming that a family from Kansas City had been selected for the next Missouri Makeover. (This program will air sometime in May.) The kids were disappointed- and I used that for an opportunity to remind ourselves how very fortunate we really are. We thought for a time about how God has provided and taken care of our every need – even in the home we currently live in! The furniture in our living room was "handed down" to us by good friends in Texas- and was definitely an upgrade for us! I laugh now to think how well it matched the carpet in our apartment in Texas- and how very well it matches our loaned home here in Missouri! I think I have a beautiful home- but all because of the hand of God! I reminded the kids how a temporary home was cleaned, painted, and furnished for us in Houston during Donald’s months of hospitalization there and how we even had bicycles and a swimming pool! Some of our best months were in that home – provided by the family of God! Because we are such a large family- we had no other way to be together in Houston during those months of treatment- and yet God made a way for us! Amazing! I am so glad we had that time together as a family!

I shared with the kids how our current home was made available to us- and reminded them how "all things work together for good to them that love the Lord!" I have learned to be content in whatever situation I find us in! It isn’t always easy- but I can be content! We have a roof over our heads- and big yard to play in- we are able to have a garden- this has been perfect- and we are so thankful to our friends who were willing to provide this home for us! We have witnessed God’s faithfulness and mercy and favor time and time again! I can not deny His power or his incomparable love toward us!

I can not keep quiet about the one I love so much! The Lord has been faithful- He has been good to me and mine! As exciting as it would be to have EHM come to this area to build a home for us- I reminded the kids that God was ultimately in control and that what ever He chooses to do in our lives will be best. We have very little income and we live in an economically depressed area- where available housing that is adequate for a family of our size and needs is few and far between- and jobs are even fewer! Whatever God reveals to us will be amazing! Whatever God does in our lives for a home will be wonderful and will be perfect! We have our family here. This is a wonderful place for the kids to grow up and we will put some deep roots here for our future! There is great hope and we have faith that God will provide a home for us- so we wait and trust in Him to provide it- and pray for His will to be done! Even though it would be difficult for EHM to come to this area to build – Even though there are very few homes on the market- and what is on the market- well- it would be nice to have a handy man for those homes!- We still trust God! How great a miracle- no matter the outcome- because God will provide-and it will be good! We are trusting in the Lord!

I am already thinking of the future months ahead- the one-year anniversary of Donald’s death will be in August. I am already planning to take some time that day to plant trees with the kids. I am purposing to spend that time with them quietly- and savor some sweet memories- and to celebrate the time God gave us with Donald. I think it will be fitting to share that time together remembering their Pop- and remind us that we must set some deep roots in the Lord- and grow! I am learning that the pain of this magnitude has a way of expanding us- so not only do we experience greater sorrow, but greater joy. What an opportunity has been given us! Draw a deep breath- and you will know what I mean! With each day, I resolve to live life intentionally. I will do no less!

Intentionally planted by Living Waters & setting deep roots,

Julia

posted at: 21:15 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Tue, 20 Mar 2007

My Dear Friends,


The kids and I and some of my family went out to the cemetery on Sunday. We worked for about an hour leveling off Donald's gravesite and sewing grass seed. It was a beautiful day and very good for us to do this together. The kids enjoyed the spring like weather and each one had a part in preparing and cleaning Donald's gravesite. This may seem strange to some, but this is an old family cemetery which relies heavily on volunteers to do work such as this. It was a very healing thing for us to do and I am glad we had such a nice day to enjoy it. I have included a couple of new pictures from Sunday to share with you.

I would like to take some time to share what the Lord has been teaching me these last weeks. I have just posted a similar copy of this letter to a young widows group of which I am a member. The ladies there are so precious to me- and I find myself drawn in by their unique stories of heartache, grief and eventual recovery and restoration. I relate on many levels with their stories of struggle and pain and am greatly encouraged by their words. We live in a rural area- one in which there is little opportunity to meet with other young widows. I am so thankful for this online support group. I would also like to take a minute here to thank you- my friends- for you have also done a great work of ministry through your prayers and support. I am amazed at how my own progress toward healing and recovery has gone. I can look back over these last months and see where God has been working in my life through you and your encouragement and your prayers. Thank you for doing this for us! You have been a part of my much larger community of support! Thank you for your own stories- for your own walk in the shadows- and thank you for walking with me here in this valley!

I will share with you now some of the ways the Lord is sewing healing into the tapestry of my life. I will also introduce you to three "friends"- One of these friends I have already mentioned- "Grief." Although I more often than not thought of him as an intruder- inflicting pain at the most inconvenient of times. The other two have by in large remained nameless until this letter- but have been fairly constant companions during these last 7 months or so. These two friends I shall name "Loneliness" and "Anxiety". When the Lord burdens me to write- I must write. It is so healing to me. I find HIM lifting me up and affording me a larger picture of the work He is accomplishing in me. It is a wonderful time for me- but also very draining and I find myself completely worn out. I have discovered in the day or two following writing- I am tired and weak from exhaustion. It costs me blood, sweat and tears to do this- but it has always proved to be well worth the effort and offers a measure of comfort and further healing.

I will quote to you from a book entitled, "Let Me Grieve But Not Forever" by Verdell Davis - Davis lost her husband in a tragic airplane accident June 28, 1987. I have just finished reading this book. It is a wonderful book- and I highly recommend it. I would like to quote a couple of passages from this book to you now...

On page 129, she quotes Henri Nouwen from his book "Reaching Out"-- "Loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today... To live a spiritual life we must first find the courage to enter into a garden of solitude. This requires not only courage but also a strong faith. As hard as it is to believe that the dry desolate desert can yield endless varieties of flowers, it is equally hard to imagine that our loneliness is hiding unknown beauty."

Page 130: Davis continues with her own thoughts on the matter of loneliness, "Loneliness is too close a companion for me to be at all objective about it. It has gone with me on long walks, sat with me through numerous silent evenings, stood with me in the middle of a group of laughing people, and lay across the bed with me while I cried because I didn't know what else to do. It seems that even when I escape it for a while, it is waiting not too far away. We have had long talks, loneliness and I, and I have to say that I have learned much from our journeying together. We have become friends. But the friendship was a long time coming." I imagine many of us can relate to loneliness- widowed or not. For a widow- it is so difficult and painful to lose that intimate relationship we once shared with our spouse. This is my experience- and from where I write-

Death comes intruding much like a thief- stealing, robbing and destroying. Sometimes Death comes and lingers- waiting- teasing its victims with it's presence- lingering days, even weeks and then with little forewarning snatches from us the ones we love so dearly. Death sometimes can be found lurking in the shadows and following your every move- casting shadows and darkness all around. (Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death...) This is how it felt for me with Donald's slow, agonizing death from cancer. Death was present for several weeks just waiting. But Death sometimes comes in an instant- stealthily- quietly- here and gone- and no one ever even recognizes until it is too late that Death has been in their midst. There are other times that Death comes violently- for all the world to witness- tormenting us with images of twisted metal, charred and fragmented evidence left behind to remind all of us of the painful loss. It seems that after Death comes - it's shadow remains- choking life from our very bodies. The shadow is tangible-a darkness of sorts- a deep despair- The shadow of Death is as thick as a blinding fog- so that you can not even recognize your own feet- or where they are planted. As the shadows grow longer and give way to some light- Grief comes and stays as an unwelcome guest. Grief comes and goes- just like Loneliness as Verdell describes in her book. Grief and Loneliness come in waves- sometimes crashing down without notice. Anxiety is often a companion to Loneliness and Grief. It seems that they are best friends- and there are times you don't have one without the other two present. They arrive at the most inconvenient times- and stay as unwelcome guests- for days and weeks. It is hard to shake them loose- and even harder to disguise them. Anxiety makes us feel like we should be doing something- but WHAT?? We are nervous- indifferent- discontented- full of strife- longing to move on- yet unable to move. Anxiety is that quiet desperation- stirring our souls with a toxic mix of emotions that threatens to poison us. Anxiety would have us to do things we would not normally do- Anxiety would have us jump into a relationship without taking the time to heal and properly mend. Anxiety keeps us from discovering who we really are without our spouse. Anxiety pushes us to keep doing busy things when maybe the best thing we could do is nothing. Anxiety keeps us up late at night- pacing the floors- thinking- busy in our own thoughts or studies or house work- when instead we should be still- and let healing come and cleanse us. I must say as Verdell Davis did in her book, "We have had long talks, loneliness and I, and I have to say that I have learned much from our journeying together. We have become friends. But the friendship was a long time coming." This may seem to some like the most ridiculous statement I have made yet- but here goes... Grief and Loneliness are our friends- though it has been a long time coming for me as well. It has not been an easy friendship either. Grief and Loneliness are our friends- and it is solitude we need- not Anxiety. Anxiety is our enemy- eating us alive with anxiousness. It is the quiet desperation of Anxiety that keeps us distracted and distanced from our grief and pain and even loneliness. Unfortunately- it seems the only way to properly heal from this sort of grief and loss- is to go through the pain of it- let Grief and Loneliness come and stay- we can not run and hide from them... anymore than we can hide from Death itself. We can not cover Death and Loneliness over. It is like a broken bone- which must be re-set- by breaking it back into place. It is very painful. We must go through the pain in order to heal properly. We must experience the Loneliness and Grief to come out stronger and healed. We must be careful of the company we keep- Anxiety comes to us all- but we do not have to let it stay. We must refuse the bad choices that Anxiety offers- we must recognize our needs- yes- but to hide from our grief- or to distract ourselves from the pain and loneliness- only robs us of healing properly. It is Anxiety paired with Grief that would have us to drown our sorrows in a bottle of booze. It is Anxiety paired with Loneliness that would have us take another man into our lives too soon- too quickly- too intimately. Anxiety causes us to sell ourselves short for less than the best. Anxiety would have us short change our healing- would rob us of discovering who we really are and who we can become. I write this to all suffering in a season of Grief and Loneliness-- not to cause you pain or guilt or despair- but to encourage you- You are worthwhile- this kind of healing is worth taking time on- be patient in your healing process- your complete healing is worth waiting for - and worth doing right! (Thanks for reminding me Michelle!) Anxiety is an anxious spirit that looks to itself for the answers- but that is vanity- it is emptiness. We are to look to the Lord in all things- for all things- and trust Him in all things and believe and hope in Him for all things.

I would like to encourage each of us to go to the "Garden of Solitude" and linger there every day. There are times I try to avoid it at all possible costs-- I look for ways to fill my time- to keep busy- to avoid that loneliness and pain and grief. We must not do that- there is danger in avoiding the grief- just as there is much danger in staying in grief too long and wallowing in it. Going to the "Garden of Solitude" requires not only courage and faith (as suggested by Henri Nouwen) -but discipline and a great deal of balance. Healing comes with time. And time is painfully warped in the first days, weeks, and even months after any loss. Going to the "Garden of Solitude" requires a great deal of grace- and it often times costs us our ALL.... All of our emotional energy, mental energy, physical energy- our memories- our doubts, our fears, our pain, our guilty feelings and "what if thoughts", our past, our present and our future. ALL is required... When we willingly go into a place of solitude- our own "Garden of Solitude" be it our bedrooms, living rooms, a quiet office area where we can journal--- where ever we can be still, quiet, and undisturbed for 20 or 30 minutes- we must come willing to bring everything with us- to lay before the Lord. We must be willing to cry- to laugh- to be still- to reflect- to hope- to dream- to remember- to grieve- to meditate and to pray.

If you are saved, God has given you the Holy Spirit. He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world. You have much to hope for-- and much to cling to. Holdfast that faith in Him! We prayed for Donald's healing. The healing came- but not as we had hoped and prayed for. It is a heartache- It is almost insulting- it is a bitter pain- and yet- God has a plan and we are certain of Donald's home going to Heaven! We can trust God with our very next breath. We can trust Him with our very next day. He will bring healing- and He will gently lead us. He is the Good Shepherd. His rod and His staff will comfort us- and He will show us the way.

Go to the Garden of Solitude- and sit quietly before the Lord- cry to Him- tell Him your pain- Your fears- Your hopes and dreams and desires. The Bible says in Isaiah 48:17, "This is what the LORD says- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: 'I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.'" I encourage you to be in His word and meditate on it. He will speak to you and show you amazing things- wonderful things- things to hope in! God is so good- He loves us all so much! He sits waiting in the Garden of Solitude for each of us. He sits waiting for us to come to Him.

Isaiah 26:3 "The steadfast of mind You (God) will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You (God)."
I leave you with the words of a familiar song:
In the Garden by C. Austin Miles
I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear, falling on my ear,
The Son of God discloses.
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there-
None other has ever known.
He speaks and the sound of His voice
Is so sweet, the bird hush their singing.
And the melody that He gave to me
within my heart is ringing.
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there-
None other has ever known.
I'd stay in the garden with Him,
though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go;
through the voice of woe,
His voice to me is calling,
And He walks with me
And He talks with me
And He tells me I am His own
And the joy we share as we tarry there-
None other has ever known.


Steadfastly planted in the Garden- and growing as an Oak,



Julia

"Your solution to grief is just another way of giving the same answer that God gave me in the first empty days-- accept this. Only in acceptance lies peace-- not in forgetting nor in resignation nor in busy-ness." Letter to Catherine Marshall from Elisabeth Elliot, quoted in "Beyond Ourselves."

posted at: 07:53 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Tue, 13 Mar 2007

Additional
From my friend Jane Hughes in Burleson, TX:

Thank you Jane!

HE GIVETH MORE GRACE
He giveth more grace as the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as the labours increase;
To added afflictions, He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.


When we have exhausted our store of endurance
And our strength is finished ere the days half done;
When we've reached the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving has only begun.


His love has no limit, His grace has no measure;
His power no boundary known unto man.
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.


Anonymous

posted at: 22:37 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Hello All!
It is so nice to see spring like weather here. We have had temperatures in the upper 60’s the last couple of days and it has been wonderful! I am thinking about my garden once again. I have been thumbing through seed catalogs trying to decide what would be best for our garden. I will probably try to can and freeze as much produce as possible to keep our grocery bill down. I have learned so much about living with in a budget these last several years- and the garden is one really great way to save money. Donald and I also did our own little experiment several years ago and discovered at that time we could save about fifteen dollars on our electric bill every month if I would hang the laundry out to dry. While we lived in Texas- I could hang laundry out to dry nearly every month. Not so here in Missouri! The kids have been great help with the laundry. I am so glad that they are willing to pitch in on that kind of thing.

Yesterday was so nice. When the three older kids got home from school, we all went outside to play. Rebecca and Truman practiced a game of catch. They are signed up for summer ball. Victoria is signed up for T-ball. Victoria, Lauren and Lincoln spent the afternoon bouncing around on the trampoline. I sat on the porch and enjoyed their frolicking play and cheerful laughter.

It has been 7 years or so- that I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation. I have never mentioned this – because it wasn’t really a concern these past 4 years. I did have trouble with symptoms of Chiari before that though. I would have severe headaches, debilitating dizziness and vertigo, ringing in the ears among other things. I was having difficulty with coordination and eventually had trouble even articulating my thoughts and speaking. Things progressed to such a point that a neurologist was called in- and when all was said and done- they finally diagnosed my Chiari. It was at that time I became pregnant with Lauren- and the doctors decided it would be best to wait until she was born to have the surgery. In the meantime, I began to feel better from my symptoms- Praise God! Normally doctors believe pregnancy makes the Chiari worse. Before we went to Seminary in 2002, we went to Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. The doctors saw that I had the malformation on MRI films but at that particular time I was not presenting severe enough symptoms to warrant the corrective surgery. We thanked God for that- and that night ate our first Strawberry Pie- in celebration of good news. Strawberry Pie has become the hallmark of good news in our family ever since.

Lately, however, I have been noticing a gradual increase in the ringing sound in my ears. Saturday, I took Rebecca to Maryville for Math contest (She placed 10th- Hooray!)- And when we got back home- I became unbalanced and dizzy. I did not give this much thought- until yesterday- when I spent a good part of the morning suffering with a dizzy spell and have had one again already today. Please pray for me- the doctors say that stress can aggravate the symptoms of Chiari. I know too from my own experience- that when I do not get enough sleep- that alone can aggravate the dizzy spells and headaches. When Donald was alive, he could take care of things when I would not feel well. I am so glad that I have not had trouble with this Chiari these last 3 years- when Donald needed me most. We have had plenty of stress and I have had lots of sleepless nights. I am thankful that I have a good support system in place with my family and I thank God for them and their willingness to help. Please pray that God will remove this from me. It is so hard to function normally when you feel dizzy and uncoordinated.

Thank you for your faithful prayers. Many blessings and much love to you!

Julia

posted at: 22:36 | path: | permanent link to this entry

Wed, 28 Feb 2007

2/28/06
My dear friends, I would like to share with you how God has been moving these past weeks. I am prayerfully considering what He would have me to do. I often think it would be nice if God would write me an itinerary schedule and tie it together with a marked road map to a rock and throw it through the front window of my living room. I would gladly replace the glass of the interior window and the screen and glass from the storm window if I could have a bigger picture of the future! But that is not the stuff of faith! No, authentic faith is one that requires us to step into the water- before the waters have been parted. (See Joshua 3) We walk by faith- and not by sight. (2 Corinthians 5:7) Faith is the stuff that pleases God (Hebrews 11:6) and comes by hearing the Word of God (Romans 10:17). Faith is something given to us by God- but we must exercise and practice it- this takes a disciplined prayer life – as well as time in Bible Study and Scripture memorization. Faith as defined by Hebrews 11:1 is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

In my own personal journey through Bible study and prayer these past few weeks, the Lord has led me to determine to set up stones of remembrance. (See Joshua chapters 4 and 5) I am not talking about a tomb stone- although that has been on my mind as well. It seems that lately, I have taken the notion to visit all the local cemeteries. I am trying to pick a monument for Donald and I that will be fitting and appropriate. I want something that will mention who he was- his marriage, his children- but then, more than that- what God has done in this man's life. A stone that points us to the Lord…and reminds all who visit there…that there is more beyond this- SO MUCH MORE! Glory to the Most HIGH! I am prayerfully considering what would point people to the King of Kings! It should be a memorial that makes mention of saving faith!

This has been a season of reflecting on God’s faithfulness, God’s endless love, and God’s matchless grace.

I would like to share a few stones of remembrance with you in the hopes that your faith will grow and increase. You will recognize God’s hand in the midst of these stories. Others would explain this as mere coincidence. I know better! God loves us so much- He has the numbers of hairs on each of our heads counted and the days of our lives measured!

Fall 2002- Kansas City, MO. Our first semester at Seminary. Money was very tight. I can recall vividly that we spent the first few months at Seminary searching for gainful means of employment with no luck. We obeyed God's calling to go to Seminary. People who knew us thought one of two things- They were either not surprised- and had already sensed God's calling on Donald's life- or they thought we were nuts! We left our home, a good job with good health insurance, took what money we had saved and went to Seminary on faith. By November- most of our savings was gone and we still hadn't found work. By mid-November, through circumstances only God could orchestrate, a door opened for me to work at a Private Christian School in Blue Springs, MO as a full time teacher! Mid school year no less! All of my previous training had prepared me to work with this combined 4th and 5th grade class! It was a miracle- and paid enough to keep us in Seminary for the next semester! When I got the job- I was in desperate need of a new purse. I had prayed about this and Donald said we would have just enough money for me to go to the local salvation army to pick out a "new to me" purse. When I got there- they had no purses! I could hardly believe it. I felt dejected and disappointed. I had only 6 dollars extra to get a new purse- that wasn't even new- and I couldn't even do that! Fighting back the tears, I went out to my car and cried out to God. (Most of you men won't understand the importance of a new purse- after all, you have been carrying the same billfold for 20 or more years- right?!) I cried and asked God to give me a new purse and believed in faith for His provision. I never told anyone of this great disappointment- I only trusted God for meeting that need. Within days, my mom called and told me that Aunt Geneva had sent her some of her old purses for us girls to go through at Thanksgiving! I was so thankful to the Lord and praised Him for that patent blue leather purse- thinking all the time that that was God's provision for me! I was content with how He had provided! But the story doesn't end there! OH NO! The last day of school before Christmas break- people at the school overwhelmed me with gifts for my family. The Lord had prompted them to do this for our family- we had food, clothes, and even tons of toys sent home with me- my car was full. In amongst the stuff that I unpacked later that night was a bag of goodies for me. In it I found a couple of sweaters and at the bottom- was a brand new purse- the very purse I would have picked out of a million purses! It was brand new- and full of all kinds of girly goodies that we like to put in our purses! OH- how my soul leapt with joy! Tears of joy flooded me- and I just laughed at how the Lord had heard my cry and had answered in a very personal way! He knew the desire of my heart and He chose to bless me with it! In January, I thanked the secretary from the school who had given me that bag-and in particular- the purse! I told her how that was an answer to my prayers. As I did- she started to cry- and told me of how she was laying bed one night trying to go to sleep. She said that the Lord had told her to go buy me a purse and even what kind! She rolled over and told her husband of this- and he agreed that she had better listen to the Lord. Absolutely Amazing!

Friday, May 9, 2003- found us returning home from Allerton, Iowa where Donald was serving as interim pastor. We traveled there on weekends (3 hours away). Kansas City was our home- it was our first year at Seminary- Midwestern Baptist. I was teaching full time at a Private Christian Academy.

We had just got home Sunday afternoon...it felt really damp/cool and clammy outside so we didn't put much stock in the Tornado watch that was on! We got the car unloaded... and into the apartment... there was a constant rumble in the west... and the clouds were dark and ominous. Our neighbors standing outside were watching the sky (that is who got the great pictures- which I have included for the web site) and a few minutes later... our tornado sirens were going off. They went off for almost 3 hours. I took the kids over to the storage building and Don stayed at the apartment to tuff it out! About 15 minutes later, he came and got us because it looked like the worst of the weather was going north of us. We hadn't been back at the apartment 10 minutes w